if he should tell them what he knew. The excitement of everything, of having been right, of having made a difference. He took a deeper breath and let out a sigh. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to be. This was it. This was it right here. That sense that there was no goal, no ultimate destination, no place to ever reach. Nothing to accomplish. Ever. Not any more. There was no more waiting, hoping to get somewhere, wanting to arrive. No more looking forward, to the future. No more longing to realize certain dreams. There was only this, the song of the condemned man, an appreciation of every moment, every interaction, every drink of sunlight, every beat of his heart, every breath. This was all that mattered, just right here, what was happening just right now, right here and right now. That calmness, that stillness, that peace, that acceptance, that resignation, those sweet memories of him and Janine – like a big warmth within him, a gratitude, an appreciation filling up his heart for this one silly little life that he’d been given even if he had squandered so much of it trying to learn the lessons he needed to learn – a great big warm calmness within him, feeling his love for all of this glowing in his heart.
Breathing and breathing and breathing – each breath, like he was riding it – and then seeing that image again, that great big ball of fire roaring across the sky and then that feeling of vertigo like he was falling and spinning, and then that great big white flash.
There was panic and terror within him but it was as if the panic and terror were just two things almost separate from himself, over there, two things of which he was just aware. Just watching them too. Staying present and not looking away, not any more. He’d run for so long, he was tired of running, tired of being driven by fear. It was like he was finally coming to terms with it, right at the end.
Feeling his heart beating, feeling his breath, feeling his body in the chair.
This was what it was, this was what it was, and there was no stopping it, no changing it.
Just looking and seeing and not getting lost in any of the feelings. Just watching them all. Just being present, being the awareness, the watcher, the one who knows.
The terror and panic abated and that feeling of peace and calmness returned. Letting go of the future and just being here. Letting go of all of those people watching him and just being here. Letting go of all of his hopes, wishing that things had gone differently and just being here. Being present for this moment. It was the life he’d gotten. It may not have been the life he wanted but it was the life he got. This moment and then this moment and then this moment, each breath, each breath, each breath, each beat of his heart, just being here for each moment.
The way his breath just worked on its own.
The way his heart just beat on its own.
Who knew how any of it worked?
The door opened and Tobias came back in.